Some Humour in the House

Life Reflections By George Carlin

1.             Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more Specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster
is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because
they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't
you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald
Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

 

From: http://www.thehumorzone.co.uk/work.html

 

 

Elation and Depression are Made of the Same Cloth

A Thought for the Day From Sri Eknath Easwaran

----------------------------------------------

 

September 24

 

We must not wish anything other than what happens from moment

to moment, all the while, however, exercising ourselves in

goodness.  - Saint Catherine of Genoa

 

 

A tremendous amount of our vital energy is squandered in the

vacillations of the mind. If things go our way, we get elated;

if things do not go our way, we get depressed. Yet elation

and depression are made from the same cloth. It is when the

mind is getting elated that we need to be very vigilant,

because what goes up will inevitably come down. If, through

the practice of meditation and repetition of the mantram, we

can keep the mind calm when good things are coming our way,

then when bad things come, we won't be depressed. Our mind will

stay calm. Only then will we be free to be truly spontaneous

in our responses to life.

 

-----

 

Eknath Easwaran, "Words to Live By" (Nilgiri Press, 1997)

http://www.nilgiri.org/Html/Thoughts/today.html

 

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Emotional Fight Club II: "I'll Give it Second Thoughts"

 

Thanks to all those who have thus far responded to my post “Emotional Fight Club”. Here’s just a quick update.

 

Contrary to the wishes of some of my colleagues at work (the female kind), I, needing to be in town near my girlfriend’s place, decided to surprise her with a visit.

 

She seemed indifferent to seeing me, but she was very civil and congenial.

 

“How are you, G?” I asked

 

“Fine. And you?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“how’s work?”

 

“Fine, we have a workshop, Friday…Can we talk?”

 

“I have a meeting at around two pm. What time is it?”

 

“just gone a few minutes before two” I responded.

 

She signalled for us to move so we could talk.

 

We approached the lifts, and I started, with her looking me straight in the eye.

 

“I’m not here so much to apologise, as you say you have forgiven me, than to let you know {here, broke down from my rehearsed speech} I am truly sorry for what I did. I put my hands up. I want to make amends…”

 

She started shaking her head, “Emmanuel, it’s ok…we’re friends aren’t we?”

 

Then she added : “I hate to see people doing this to themselves” {suggesting she has given up?}

 

“But,” I added, “we can’t be proper friends after…”

 

She looked at me in surprise: “why not?”

 

 

I added: “at least, we have to resolve this before we can become proper friends…I identified three things I was doing which irked you…calling you so many times, for example, including when you told me you were busy; calling you at work…I want to work on those things. I want to give you space to work things through so you can re-consider. AT least, re-think the idea…”

 

She looked away from me, adding “Ok, I’ll give it second thoughts…”

 

I was overjoyed, my little heart jumping for joy all over the place…;-)

 

“Will you”, I continued, “at least tell me you’ll re-consider?”

 

Then my heart sank…

 

“No.”

 

But that seems to be her; she doesn’t want people putting words in her mouth, but she’s fine with giving me and the relationship second thoughts. But I mustn’t be complacent: the fight is still on to win her trust back.

 

At least, she came out with two things that annoyed her, and I pretty much conceded that they irritated her. She corroborated: “it’s okay…but it’s the phone calls. And the landline. Don’t call the landline {workline}”

 

As she went into the lift, I followed. I asked for a hug.

 

She refused.

 

But at least, she accepted me holding her hand, and giving me the traditional greeting of a handshake and click of the fingers…

 

She wasn’t feeling well: her eyes tired and her cheeks rather puffy.

 

Our interchange was punctuated with “Emmanuel, it’s ok”

 

Then I tried again. Her phone rang; it was her sister. She spoke to her, told me it was her sister and excused her for a second.

 

“Grace, at least, can we have a drink at the end of the week?”

 

“I can’t promise, Emmanuel…I’ll try”

 

Then she left.

 

For those women out there, is this a sign of a woman ready and willing to give me a chance, or it’s definite? I have to continue to fight—without a doubt.

 

Relationships!!!!!!!!!

Emotional Fight Club

My girlfriend and I have had a fight, except that she is one of those who play it cool when they are angry.

 

Most dangerous!

 

It was my fault, and I am not about to go into details, except to say that it didn’t involve any other female, so it’s not me being unfaithful.

 

More about doing something that showed that I didn’t trust her—like calling her relative to find out about something I should have asked HER herself. Now it looks like she wants an end to our relationship, and for us to be “friends”. In other words, no lover business.

 

I am hurt, deeply hurt.

 

This is going to affect my blogging a bit, so please take heart, and if you do pray, pray for meJ

 

I think space between us is most needed. I have aplogised over-zealously—by way of text, calls, and whatnot. I have even talked to her face-to-face today. She looked me in the eye and said “I forgive you”. But, to me, it was more like “I forgive you, but don’t bother, cos I won’t take you back”.

 

Hell, it’s only been six months!  I am no angel, but can she take me back if I give her some space?

 

In turmoil.

 

That’s ironically the period when my writing becomes all-too-cathartic.

 

Pls help. Suggestions/comments welcome!

 

Till later…

Quote for the Day: Don't spend major time with minor people

 

Don't spend major time with minor people If there are people in your life that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp

on your dreams, too judgemental, have different values and don't have your back during difficult times...

That is not a friend.

 

To have a friend, be a friend, sometimes in life as you grow, your friends will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who reflect your values, goals, interests, and lifestyle.

 

When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to God from whom all blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.

 

Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the better.

 

At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new people show up in your life that makes your life so much sweeter and easier to endure.

 

Remember what our elders use to say "Birds of a feather flock together." (True statement) If you're eagle, don't hang with chickens. Chickens can't fly!

 

From: http://treasuresthoughts.blogspot.com/

 

 

One of *the* most Sensual Sites Out There!

0279 | 7.36MB | 3:20 DOWNLOAD MPEG ZIP

0278 | 8.72MB | 3:56

 

http://www.beautifulagony.com

 

Go check it out!

All I can say is "WTF??!?!"

Is this a cautionary tale of men being weary of bankers’ wives???

 

Scary!!

 

 

From: http://www.news24.com/News24/World/News/0,,2-10-1462_1763728,00.html

'Milkshake' killer gets life
01/09/2005 20:39  - (SA)  

Related Articles ·  Milkshake murder case in court ·  Wife serves deadly shake

Hong Kong - An American mother of three was jailed for life on Thursday after a Hong Kong jury found her guilty of murdering her high-flying banker husband, ending a sensational trial that captivated this Chinese city.

The five-man and two-woman jury returned a unanimous guilty verdict on Nancy Ann Kissel, who drugged her husband with a milkshake drink before bludgeoning him to death with a lead ornament.

Kissel, 41, had denied murdering Robert Peter Kissel, but had admitted killing him in what she claimed was self-defence in their luxury apartment in November 2003.

Kissel, dressed in black and looking gaunt in her wire rim glasses and tied-back brown hair, stood silent in the dock as Justice Michael Lunn passed the mandatory life sentence after the all-Chinese jury's seven-hours of deliberation.

Sex, violence, betrayal

The marathon three-month trial was one of the longest in the former British colony's legal history.

Its often-lurid revelations of sex, violence, betrayal and greed riveted this southern Chinese territory, where murders were rare within the wealthy expatriate community.

Nancy Kissel killed her husband after serving him a strawberry milkshake laced with a cocktail of sedatives.

She said she struck out when he attacked her with a baseball bat after telling her he wanted to divorce her and take away their three young children.

The court heard that the first blow didn't kill him, but when he regained composure and went for her again, Kissel brought the ornament down on him five times with such force that any one of the strikes could have killed him.

Brain fluid, blood

Expert medical witnesses said the blows had crushed his skull and damaged the brain tissue below. The jury heard that brain fluid and blood was found on bedclothes.

According to court testimony, afterwards, the confused murderer continued sleeping with her husband's corpse for several nights.

She eventually tied it up in a sleeping bag, rolled it in old carpets and had it dumped in a storage room.

Prosecutors claimed the model mother who played a leading civic role within Hong Kong's expatriate community had stood to gain up to $18m in insurance payouts from the Merril Lynch investment banker's death.

State of conflict

Prosecuting barrister Peter Chapman said driven by a passionate fling with an electrician in her native United States, Kissel had manufactured a state of conflict within her marriage that she used as an excuse for killing her husband.

Kissel's defence team, led by barrister Alexander King, painted Kissel as a loving, but long-suffering wife who had been subjected to regular violent attacks by a husband who abused cocaine and alcohol.

He said she was frequently forced to endure bouts of violent anal sex, which had left her injured and in pain.

King said after the fatal fight, Kissel had a "mental meltdown" and remembered little of events in the days after.

This is Something I Passionately Believe

-----Original Message-----
From: Thoughts2-bounces@nilgiri.org [mailto:Thoughts2-bounces@nilgiri.org] On Behalf Of Thought for the Day (Europe, text)
Sent: mardi 6 septembre 2005 22:10
To: thoughts2@nilgiri.org
Subject: [Thoughts2] Thought for the Day

 

 

A Thought for the Day From Sri Eknath Easwaran

----------------------------------------------

 

September 7

 

 

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects

revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such

a method is love.  - Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

All of us can play an important part in the conquest of

violence. We can do this by throwing our full weight behind

peaceful, effective programs for eliminating the situations

from which violence arises. But just as importantly, we need

to do everything we can to remove every trace of hostility in

ourselves. The violence that is flaring up on our streets and

in many corners of the world is the inevitable expression of

the hostility in our hearts. Hostility is like an infectious

disease. Whenever we indulge in a violent act or even in hostile

words, we are passing this disease on to those around us. When

we quarrel at home, it is not just a domestic problem, we are

contributing to turmoil everywhere.

 

A teacher of meditation in ancient India, Patanjali, wrote that

in the presence of a man or woman in whom all hostility has

died, others cannot be hostile. In the presence of a man or

woman in whom all fear has died, no one can be afraid. This is

the power released in true nonviolence, as we can see in the

life of Mahatma Gandhi. Because all hostility had died in his

heart, he was a profound force for peace.

 

-----

 

Eknath Easwaran, "Words to Live By" (Nilgiri Press, 1997)

http://www.nilgiri.org/Html/Thoughts/today.html

 

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Words of Wisdom Passed on by A Work Colleague

From: contact
Sent: 08 September 2005 17:34
To: contact
Subject: i wasn't watching for you

 

Its true you don't know what you've got until its gone, but its also true you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives!!!

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,

While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,

But the children you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers,
especially the blue."



FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow,

The company that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of  days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of
their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than
into our own family,
an unwise investment  indeed, don't you think?
so what is behind  the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means? FAMILY =
F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

 

 

 

 

Doing Diplomacy is Harder than I thought

I’ve always had a conflict resolution bent, as it were. I remember crying way back in 1995 during the Bosnian crisis. The reason was because of the UN soldiers that had been chained to posts while NATO planes flew above. They were in effect, being used as human shields. I remember that was the very first time I re-call feeling immensely passionate about wanting to work for the United Nations—flaws and all.

 

I had been at a Model United Nations in 1994 in the Hague, where I represented Argentina in the Environment Committee. It was awesome fun. You can check the link out http://www.thimun.org. I miss it. Tremendously.

 

But as every thing changes but the sea, I also changed, and realize there were more rational ways of achieving a sense of serenity in this big, bad world.

 

I have always felt, as Martin Luther King intoned, that peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of justice.

 

And so, it was no surprise yesterday that I felt a bit awkward attempting to be an honest broker in this very odd dispute.

 

Odd, because it was nothing of epic and international proportions, but simply funny.

 

It all started with my colleague ordering some food from my regular place. I have personally been to the place, and seen the woman, B, acting in the most professional manner. I have seen her efficiency and found it commendable.

 

Yesterday, my colleague ordered food from these people. The food arrived almost two hours late. Yes, two hours, can you imagine? The driver was blasé about the whole thing. Put simply: he was unapologetic, and that pissed me off, because it made B look like a fool, which I disliked. She is <i>such</i> a nice person, and she pleaded for me to get my colleague to accept the food otherwise the price would fall on her.

 

I felt so bad, because my colleague was incensed—and rightly so.

 

I could see myself looking like a fool to almost everyone because I was defending B’s company. I thought it was the right thing to do, whilst contemporaneously pointing the finger of blame to her company’s driver—who was the major cause of the problem. The fact is that we are literally five minutes drive away from B’s company, so how the driver managed to bring the food so late merits some serious head-scratching…

 

I tried to calm my colleague down, but she wasn’t having any of it. She and her other colleagues at the office warned me not to pay for her food—and that she was going to return it.

 

Well, I ended up <i>not</i> paying for it, and being compelled to return the food. I felt so sorry for B, but I had to do what I had to do—and it was not nice.

 

I felt like a woos, but upon reflection, I realized it was important to have stuck to my principles.

 

I later explained to B that it was my colleague’s first time, and it was normal she was going to behave that way.

 

She was so low. What could I do?

 

The best was call her up today and try to cheer her up, which, in itself, felt odd.

 

But I keep on remembering that thing about “if you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for anything”. Perhaps, not entirely apt in this context, but it reminds me further of standing up for those who don’t have a voice.

 

Yesterday’s trail of events reminded me that deep down in me, there is this small guy trying to put things right. And it doesn’t only start and end with me. There are probably thousands of people out there doing unsung things, especially with the devastation of hurricane Katrina. But who will ever acknowledge them, especially with an obtuse president like George W Bush.

 

Doing diplomacy is not an easy thing, but not trying either is, frankly, criminal.

 

 

In Memoriam: Samuel D. Bensah: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy birthday, dear big bro! 

Dear Sam, as is wont on my part, I had to go and make things all complicated, whilst you like to keep things simple. I am still acccused of being complicated at work, can you imagine!:-)

Just a small wish -- of sorts -- to say a very Happy Birthday wherever you may be. You would have been 32yrs today had God not decided to take you away on 8 May 1991.

Hell, you aren't just missed, you are effing ROYALLY missed.

I'll have a drink for you, my dear friend and (only) brother/sibling...

best,
your little shrimp...

Good Stuff!

It was with a great degree of trepidation that I went through Blogger.com’s settings today, only to be treated to the most stupendous discovery: the uploading of entries by way of one’s email.

 

This has certainly got to be a fantastic way of celebrating the first of the ninth month of 2005.

 

I’m DEFINITELY sanguine for some better times aheadJ