Three Years On, There are Still Deeper Dramas of Identity & Fidelity

Offlate, I have been rather contemplative about life, wondering why I am back-pedalling on some of the commitments I have made to myself. I thought by now, the writing of my novel would have gone far. My deadline--my late brother's birthday of 6th September--looks seriously abortive. I have had to postpone because I know I cannot deliver fo rthat date.

Either way, "failure" has been a sure sign of my lack of commitment.

The most recent was exemplified by yet-another Yahoo messenger experience. Suffice-to-say, if thoughts could be put on trial, I'd be in the dock for an emotional infraction!

Misunderstandings were sorted out, and an exhortation towards being friends are the order of the day. This, despite a deep desire to have gone further with the prurient thought...

It got me thinking a great dealn about the ever-thin fine line between remaining faithful and cheating. Irrespective of your religion, sinning by omission is always as bad as sinning by commission.

When I arrive at that state, I find myself in an X-files moment, where I find that I have become the thing I fear. Or, better still, a Nietzche moment, when he (rightly) said:

...if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you...

...I know for sure I'm heading a dangerous path.

I have rarely ever denied an attraction for the opposite sex. In these days when one appears not to be quite sure how straight one is, I'm glad to say I'm comprehensively straight, but sitting on the fence over fidelity is a path I'd rather not go on, despite the fact that many-a-time, my emotions have found me wanting.

In 2006, my gorgeous yet late friend Nana Amaa showed a care and feeling unprecedented by any other married woman I knew: she wanted me to accompany her on outings; she enjoyed my company; texted me to wish me a good morning and good day; we'd spend some time chatting on Yahoo. Everything was clear she loved her husband, but she seemed to like me a great deal. I liked her a bit more than that, yet she was untouchable.

I don't think I'll ever enjoy a friendship so close yet so horribly short as hers. My Mum had always admonished me that a "married friend cannot be your friend". I knew that, yet I was flattered.

With time, our friendship matured and became no longer a case of an unrequited love, but one of a profound friendship between her and myself.

Regrettably, it never was to continue. This is what I wrote on 31 May 2006:

I realise now without any vestige of melodrama that I sincerely loved this married woman.

I miss her so much I don't even want to erase her lengthy hotmail messenger discussions with me. Her yahoo ones, regrettably, are lost:-(

My mental pabulum is this: can a man have pure love for a married woman that is not carnal?
http://ekbensah.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_archive.html

Whether one might believe this or not, this is the real mCCoy

This is me.

Three years to the day, after I started working professionally (as in fully-salaried!) in my home country of Ghana.

And still, veritabaly and truly eccentric.

I take comfort in Lao-Tzu's admonition that:

He Who Knows Others is Clever; He Who Knows Himself is Enlightened

Unfaithful Thoughts, or a Case of Technology Nurturing Infidelity?

Last week I logged into my computer, with Yahoo Messenger tagging nicely along, thankyou. Within minutes, a friend whom I had not seen for a while was buzzing me. This would not have been news were it not for the fact that the buzzer was one of the female persuasion;-)

I first met her in Guinea-Conakry, West Africa, for a work-related conference in November 2004, and was immediately infatuated. Through the three days I was in the country, infatuation moved to great admiration for her intellect and her striking, good looks.

So we got to chatting on Yahoo Messenger and she asked me whether I was married. “No”, I wrote, ‘but I have a girlfriend”. I then asked her why such a really pretty girl like her was doing still not hooked. She claimed she was waiting for me…to get married! She’s a tough cookie, and I am sure she was saying this tongue-in-cheek, but how, that for that split moment, having seen the latest really gorgeous picture of her, and these thoughts, I wished I could tell I wanted her so badly.

There was just a catch, which was no catch, upon reflection: I had told her spontaneously she was “tres belle!”, or very pretty, and that I have a girlfriend. There was no way I was going to say anything sillier from there on.

I emailed her shortly after to renew acquaintance; I haven’t seen her online for a while, but she has said she’d love to come to Ghana – only if I invite her. I have done so, and hope to see her at the end of the year when she’s less busy.

All this brings into sharp relief, in my view, how technology has acted as a double-edged sword of doing the proverbial Nokia thing of “connecting people”, whilst contemporaneously dividing them. Connecting, because of the opportunities of being able to “talk” in real-time, yet paradoxically dividing because of its more nebulous ability to divide emotional loyalties of those living in the “here” world and shifting it to those in the “there” world—whether in the next town, city, or country. When it affects couples or partners in the “here” world, it becomes all the more testing.

However, it’s certainly here to stay--and to tell you the truth: I'm all for it!!

have a good weekend!

a terrible combination of virus-infected computers at work, coupled with badly-established internal networking in work computers, as well as a slightly busier period has resulted in the 14-day absence here...