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Thursday, August 02, 2007

Three Years On, There are Still Deeper Dramas of Identity & Fidelity

Offlate, I have been rather contemplative about life, wondering why I am back-pedalling on some of the commitments I have made to myself. I thought by now, the writing of my novel would have gone far. My deadline--my late brother's birthday of 6th September--looks seriously abortive. I have had to postpone because I know I cannot deliver fo rthat date.

Either way, "failure" has been a sure sign of my lack of commitment.

The most recent was exemplified by yet-another Yahoo messenger experience. Suffice-to-say, if thoughts could be put on trial, I'd be in the dock for an emotional infraction!

Misunderstandings were sorted out, and an exhortation towards being friends are the order of the day. This, despite a deep desire to have gone further with the prurient thought...

It got me thinking a great dealn about the ever-thin fine line between remaining faithful and cheating. Irrespective of your religion, sinning by omission is always as bad as sinning by commission.

When I arrive at that state, I find myself in an X-files moment, where I find that I have become the thing I fear. Or, better still, a Nietzche moment, when he (rightly) said:

...if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you...

...I know for sure I'm heading a dangerous path.

I have rarely ever denied an attraction for the opposite sex. In these days when one appears not to be quite sure how straight one is, I'm glad to say I'm comprehensively straight, but sitting on the fence over fidelity is a path I'd rather not go on, despite the fact that many-a-time, my emotions have found me wanting.

In 2006, my gorgeous yet late friend Nana Amaa showed a care and feeling unprecedented by any other married woman I knew: she wanted me to accompany her on outings; she enjoyed my company; texted me to wish me a good morning and good day; we'd spend some time chatting on Yahoo. Everything was clear she loved her husband, but she seemed to like me a great deal. I liked her a bit more than that, yet she was untouchable.

I don't think I'll ever enjoy a friendship so close yet so horribly short as hers. My Mum had always admonished me that a "married friend cannot be your friend". I knew that, yet I was flattered.

With time, our friendship matured and became no longer a case of an unrequited love, but one of a profound friendship between her and myself.

Regrettably, it never was to continue. This is what I wrote on 31 May 2006:

I realise now without any vestige of melodrama that I sincerely loved this married woman.

I miss her so much I don't even want to erase her lengthy hotmail messenger discussions with me. Her yahoo ones, regrettably, are lost:-(

My mental pabulum is this: can a man have pure love for a married woman that is not carnal?

Whether one might believe this or not, this is the real mCCoy

This is me.

Three years to the day, after I started working professionally (as in fully-salaried!) in my home country of Ghana.

And still, veritabaly and truly eccentric.

I take comfort in Lao-Tzu's admonition that:

He Who Knows Others is Clever; He Who Knows Himself is Enlightened

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At Wednesday, August 08, 2007 8:15:00 am , Blogger soap said...

I often wonder what Lao Tzu would think about e-love. I hear some caution already, but that would be my advice: be very, very cautious.

I love your title, btw. Mind if I steal it sometime? Deeper dramas of identity and fidelity... that pretty much sums up the past three years (or so) for me too.

At Thursday, August 09, 2007 3:01:00 pm , Blogger Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

soap--many, many thx! You're free to "steal" my title;-)) As for the caution, ouch, it's tricky!!


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