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Friday, July 22, 2005

Duality of Self

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The sexy young lady from Wants and Needs, in her latest entry, wrote something that touched on the duality of self. She got it from another blog Maybe I didn’t get it entirely (based on the response I wrote to her), but I think I have an idea of what she was trying to get at:

1. we all fall into labels, and sex bloggers even more so
2. we are asked to put our sexuality into a box
3. unfortunately, society forces us into labels, especially when it comes to sexuality

The issue of labels, I believe, transcends sex bloggers. If we take the latest example of the bombings in London, we are reminded of the fact that short of having a beard and looking yellow or brown, you might not be considered a suspect. Precisely because we have come to accept that the people behind these heinous crimes move along with people of that physiognomy. Daniel Hoffman-Gill, in one of his latest entries, entitled the entry rather aptly: We got ourselves a new nigger .

The sexual front is a bit different in the sense that first and foremost, it is difficult to ascertain your "curiosity" or your sexuality from looking at you—and that cuts across races. To the extent that even these days, over-pumped young men with perfect bodies are considered this side short of bent, when it was not so long ago that people with huge biceps triggered pavlovian responses among ditzy blonde women.

These days, if you are a guy, you appear to even have to refrain from having a six-pack, or being too clean-shaven for fear that homosexuals might come salivating your way.

Ofcourse I digress with my characteristic whims, but the serious issue is as wants described it: "As long as I am not turned on by children and am safe in my play why is it so important if I feel the desire to masturbate to images of naked men vs. naked women?"

It probably is not all that important, except that we have been mostly brought up to believe that such sexual desires, when openly expressed, make you different from the so-called normal people. Truth is :there is no such thing as a normal person, and I don’t think there ever has been—particularly when it comes to sexuality.

I re-read the so-called Black Angel’s post, and I think something that he wrote touched a nerve:

"I believe though that lurking in all of us is a reflex, that is, somewhere in darkest portions of our being, in deepest part of the human animal, the instinct to explore, celebrate, and worship the darkest corners of our souls- that which we have been bred to forget."

I couldn’t agree more.

For the past few days, I have been thinking about a girl I met at a recently-built ultra-modern shopping complex not too far from where I work. She used to work further in town when I started work a year ago. She is very cute, and I was rather nice to her—not necessarily because of her looks, but she has a very pleasant disposition.

I saw her again a few weeks ago working at this new place—she has moved from her old place to work here—and she is enjoying it. The issue is that I couldn’t help thinking about how I’d love to chat her up and get her phone number. It would be so VERY easy. We saw each other again whilst I was having lunch yesterday. The SAME place. I riposted in a very cheesy manner: "Gloria, we’ve got to stop meeting like this". She smiled. My tumescence grew—-albeit half-baked.

As recently as yesterday, I saw her, dressed in a sexy skirt, looking VERY very personable and cute. I thought of her a lot yesterday. A LOT! During the night, as I prepared to go to sleep, I missed my significant other, G, very much and gave her a quick call to let her know that I was thinking of her. As always, she very much appreciated it—even if she was very sleepy.

But I was STILL thinking about this salesgirl shortly after I started dosing—and I imagined some VERY naughty things. The fantasy was SO good, and I was SO bad-in so many different ways.

But it was wrong.

This is why: I love my girlfriend very much. I even wrote an on-line encomium of sorts to her in April: here .

I had a chat with her this morning about improving the quality of the time we spend together. I love her so very much. Whilst I talked with her, the units on the phone didn’t matter: all that mattered was her listening to me, and me listening to her ever-so-perennially-soft voice. Both of us locked in our own world -- talking.

Yesterday’s egregious behaviour became a distant memory, but it brought home this point about duality of self. I love my girlfriend dearly, yet I was prepared to entertain having sex with this gorgeous salesgirl.

At the same time, I am reminded of the duality of self in that the line is always so very easy to cross once you hook up with someone. Especially when you’re not married, you can find yourself entertaining your dark self that will very much encourage you to be promiscuous.


Does that make me screwed-up, or just male?


At Friday, July 22, 2005 9:31:00 pm , Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...


At Saturday, July 23, 2005 5:08:00 am , Blogger laura said...

oh jeez--so what if you thought about someone else? there's nothing wrong with that. we are not meant to be monogamous all the time, though it's a sliding scale with most people. i'm more of a polyamorist myself, actually.

the idea that one person will satisfy all your needs is silly. i'm not saying it's impossible to find that one person, just like it's not impossible to win the lottery. but should you count on it? should you aspire to it? not if you're sensible.

i don't doubt you love g, but there's no need for apology. after all, we're not the thought police, and neither is she.

another thing--the fantasies get that much hotter because you make it so taboo. one way to "defang" the fantasy is to treat it as normal and healthy. you'll see that the naughty factor dies down, and your fantasies might just change to look for something more taboo. try the mental excercise for a month or 2 and see if it works. i see that it works for me from time to time.

At Tuesday, July 26, 2005 2:16:00 pm , Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

It makes you neither.

It is perfectly normal to have such thoughts and fantasies. Everybody does. It doesn’t mean you love your girlfriend any less. You know, even she would have such thoughts and fantasies too!

It is one thing to have a private thought or a fantasy, however it is a whole other thing to entertain being promiscuous in real life.

When I got my first boyfriend, I was so in love! I was obsessed with the man. I thought about him every second, I devoted all my time and energy to him, I idolised and adored him. He was my whole world.

But at night as I was falling asleep, my mind would wonder…(this was before we were living together). I had never been with another man, and when I engaged in fantasy, I couldn’t hold him in my mind. Rather my thoughts would race to other men, some were strange men, some men I saw on TV, some men I knew in real life… but I could never focus on him. I would feel so ashamed, so bad. I thought I was a bad girlfriend, a bad person. It made me question who I was, and my very love for him. I tried not to have these fantasies, but I couldn’t help it!

I thought it was because I was curious, having only known him as a lover. However after some years past, (and some boyfriends), I realised this was normal. It didn’t make me a bad person, there was nothing wrong with it! It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you love your partner less, and it doesn’t mean you are going to cheat on them. I stand as testimony to this.

Shame I didn’t realise this earlier – I should have relaxed and enjoyed my fantasies, rather than beating myself up about them for so long. I have an excellent imagination ;)

At Sunday, July 31, 2005 2:41:00 pm , Blogger Melanie said...

It makes you like 99% of the population on earth. What shows your true character is whether you decide to act on those feelings or not.


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