Duality of Self

duality? 

The sexy young lady from Wants and Needs, in her latest entry, wrote something that touched on the duality of self. She got it from another blog http://ourshadowself.blogspot.com/2005/07/welcome_05.html Maybe I didn’t get it entirely (based on the response I wrote to her), but I think I have an idea of what she was trying to get at:

1. we all fall into labels, and sex bloggers even more so
2. we are asked to put our sexuality into a box
3. unfortunately, society forces us into labels, especially when it comes to sexuality

The issue of labels, I believe, transcends sex bloggers. If we take the latest example of the bombings in London, we are reminded of the fact that short of having a beard and looking yellow or brown, you might not be considered a suspect. Precisely because we have come to accept that the people behind these heinous crimes move along with people of that physiognomy. Daniel Hoffman-Gill, in one of his latest entries, entitled the entry rather aptly: We got ourselves a new nigger .

The sexual front is a bit different in the sense that first and foremost, it is difficult to ascertain your "curiosity" or your sexuality from looking at you—and that cuts across races. To the extent that even these days, over-pumped young men with perfect bodies are considered this side short of bent, when it was not so long ago that people with huge biceps triggered pavlovian responses among ditzy blonde women.

These days, if you are a guy, you appear to even have to refrain from having a six-pack, or being too clean-shaven for fear that homosexuals might come salivating your way.

Ofcourse I digress with my characteristic whims, but the serious issue is as wants described it: "As long as I am not turned on by children and am safe in my play why is it so important if I feel the desire to masturbate to images of naked men vs. naked women?"

It probably is not all that important, except that we have been mostly brought up to believe that such sexual desires, when openly expressed, make you different from the so-called normal people. Truth is :there is no such thing as a normal person, and I don’t think there ever has been—particularly when it comes to sexuality.

I re-read the so-called Black Angel’s post, and I think something that he wrote touched a nerve:

"I believe though that lurking in all of us is a reflex, that is, somewhere in darkest portions of our being, in deepest part of the human animal, the instinct to explore, celebrate, and worship the darkest corners of our souls- that which we have been bred to forget."

I couldn’t agree more.

For the past few days, I have been thinking about a girl I met at a recently-built ultra-modern shopping complex not too far from where I work. She used to work further in town when I started work a year ago. She is very cute, and I was rather nice to her—not necessarily because of her looks, but she has a very pleasant disposition.

I saw her again a few weeks ago working at this new place—she has moved from her old place to work here—and she is enjoying it. The issue is that I couldn’t help thinking about how I’d love to chat her up and get her phone number. It would be so VERY easy. We saw each other again whilst I was having lunch yesterday. The SAME place. I riposted in a very cheesy manner: "Gloria, we’ve got to stop meeting like this". She smiled. My tumescence grew—-albeit half-baked.

As recently as yesterday, I saw her, dressed in a sexy skirt, looking VERY very personable and cute. I thought of her a lot yesterday. A LOT! During the night, as I prepared to go to sleep, I missed my significant other, G, very much and gave her a quick call to let her know that I was thinking of her. As always, she very much appreciated it—even if she was very sleepy.

But I was STILL thinking about this salesgirl shortly after I started dosing—and I imagined some VERY naughty things. The fantasy was SO good, and I was SO bad-in so many different ways.

But it was wrong.

This is why: I love my girlfriend very much. I even wrote an on-line encomium of sorts to her in April: here .

I had a chat with her this morning about improving the quality of the time we spend together. I love her so very much. Whilst I talked with her, the units on the phone didn’t matter: all that mattered was her listening to me, and me listening to her ever-so-perennially-soft voice. Both of us locked in our own world -- talking.

Yesterday’s egregious behaviour became a distant memory, but it brought home this point about duality of self. I love my girlfriend dearly, yet I was prepared to entertain having sex with this gorgeous salesgirl.


At the same time, I am reminded of the duality of self in that the line is always so very easy to cross once you hook up with someone. Especially when you’re not married, you can find yourself entertaining your dark self that will very much encourage you to be promiscuous.

Nasty.

Does that make me screwed-up, or just male?