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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

What's Love Got to Do With It?: On Playing Sex to Get Love

The deeply cynical view expressed by that blogger down on, and the responses that flowed from that comment early February suggests a chasm between the sexes as far as sex versus love is concerned.

OK, so only one male made a comment, and it was one that seemed to say that generalising that men play love to get sex is problematic.

I couldn’t agree more.

I conceded myself that I have – with much regret – done it in my life-time, and as one bordering on the brink of getting a ring over my finger sooner rather than later, I am not going that way by any stretch of the imagination.

However, if my last relationship was anything to go by, where I practically broke down over my break-up with Gee in September 2005, I think it is safe to say that she, upon hindsight, did a role-reversal by playing love to get sex.

I can understand why eyebrows might be raised right now, because I am the only one who knows her, and I guess you have to trust what I am writing about her—it might sometimes lend itself to partiality because of the acute nature of the break-up—and the fact that she cannot riposte. But I do think the facts speak for themselves.

She and I slept with each other on 18 February 2005. Her words, when I asked her whether she wanted to was "doesn’t mean that I am cheap", which she certainly isn’t. However, upon hindsight, given the mostly taciturn nature of our relationship, with me doing more talking than her, and her telling me that she wasn’t ready, and time would tell, this relationship, with the benefit of hindsight, was, frankly, a six-month-long one–night stand.

My best friend –herself female— told me that I was used—and I couldn’t agree more. I really do think she used love to get sex, because she KNEW how much I loved her, and I have to admit that deep, deep down in my heart somewhere, there is still a very soft spot for her – I called her last week to find out how she was – but despite my consistent professing of what I felt for her, she refused to consider taking me back.

I am glad I gave her what for last December by texting her a message that I no longer loved her, and she should stop get off feeling proud that I am forever thinking of her.

But I digress.

As Laura said, there are guys out there who want to feel loved—and I am one of them. I won’t go into too many details except to say that I am very much loved by a beautiful young woman (pls see picture below) I have known since 2004. We met early this year, and she broke down. Her feelings for me, that is. I have succumbed. And let’s just say I am a very happy young man.

There is truly nothing more beautiful than knowing someone loves you—no matter how far they may be—and that their love envelopes you like…erm, an envelope:-) I believe I am getting flashbacks of JeN when she was, I guess, feigning disinterest by the so-called boy slut…:-)

On a more serious note, sissoula made reference more towards the pedagogical aspect of love, which sounds rather pedantic, but isn’t.

Consider this: some people maltreat others emotionally not necessarily because that is the way they are, but because that is what they have seen, acquired, or come to know. So, when sissoula writes that both guys and gals are TAUGHT to express it in different ways, I think I am inclined to understand where she is coming from.

Still, though, I suspect that that in no way will stop guys AND gals playing love to get sex, and sex to get love.


At Thursday, February 16, 2006 7:29:00 pm , Blogger Steph said...

"...generalising that men play love to get sex is problematic."

Well, yeah, i was saying that all generalisations are inherently problematic (which is a generalisation in itself, of course), and hence this one as well.

In any case, i think that quite often both guys and girls can go after one or the other (love or sex), not really knowing that it's not what they really want, or need.

Sex can be great, but sometimes sex without love, or feelings of closeness, can be a really empty and sad experience.

On the other hand, when there is love and affection, sex becomes a unique vehicle for communicating feelings.

So, i don't know that one should target the one or the other independently. It just doesn't work that way... It's all about the person.

"Playing", at any level, won't get you anywhere good.


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