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Friday, November 09, 2007

Searching for a Deeper Identity...

In between pretending to work very hard before the year is out, I've had to battle with some issues of identity.

The first has been preconceptions by the folks on what constitutes a good wife. Beyond all the qualities that one would hope for (care, love, and whatnot) in their view, it's also about marrying someone who is a couple of years younger than me. One year difference is too short--supposedly.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it, except to admit that to be the truth, but insist that if there is love, happiness and joy, that doesn't really matter, surely? Besides, it's not having a wife a few years younger than me that is going to make my marriage a happy one --or is it?

I did some yahoo searches of this on Yahoo Answers, and the answers were consistent: even if people had married women some ten or more years younger than them, most important was the love and respect. Besides as regards the latter, does it not take two to tango? If I respect my wife, will she not automatically respect me? Granted, it doesn't happen that way all the time (hell, we live in an imperfect world!) but that's the cosmic law of karma I guess...

Still, it's given me some food for thought...and then some. I felt, in what some might consider unusual, the need to tell my girlfriend. She understood that my parents had every right to feel that way, and that in the long run, the decision rested on me.

I believe it does--and, frankly, it's no skin off my nose. As regards my private life, even if my wife will be inextricably linked to the folks on account of me, it's important I state from the outset that they forgot about one thing: does the lady make me happy? If she does, I think that settles everything? or?

After all, is it not happiness that reigns supreme over any relationship? Bearing in mind care, respect and all that?

In any event, this is what one internet source put it:

1. If the man is about the same age as, or somewhat older than the girl, there will be no special problem of age suitability.

2. If the girl is slightly older there will be no special problem unless one or the other feels sensitive about it. The only question then will be, "How do they feel about it?"

3. As people grow older, age differences become less important. Other things being equal, there will be less difference between a woman of fifty and a man of seventy, than between a girl of twenty and a man of forty.

4. When one is relatively young and the other as much as twelve years older, the couple should carefully review the following problems:

In these age gap relationships, there may be real differences in their interest in physical activities. If the man is the elder, this may not be too important. A man of thirty-five may play as good a game of golf or even tennis, and swim as well as a girl of twenty.

In fact their age gap may actually make them more evenly matched. A greater age gap relationship problem will be the stage in which their interests happen to be.

I am probably vindicated by this post, however:

One thing to think of is the future. In a large age gap relationship, one person is going to age faster than the other one. It's nature and you can't avoid it. In a 20 year age gap for instance, as good as things are when she is 20 and he is 40, if they stay together, they won't be growing old together as much as HER growing older and HIM growing ELDERLY. These things need to be considered as well.

Coming from parents where there is a bit more than 5-yr age gap, I can understand why they might feel the way they do, but, hey, things have changed considerably--and, well, if, God forbid, it blows in my face, I'm man enough to accept it!

Either way, whatever the case may be, I want my woman to be with me as a partner for life--someone who can learn from me, and I from her. I know I find it with Sandra. If it's just one-year between us, the experiences of grief (brought about by the loss of Samuel, my one and only brother) in 1991, raised my sensitive and mature node higher than most people's. To that end, I truly think I'm the man for her!

This is compounded by her sending me text messages along the lines that she'd like to do naughty things to me. I cannot tell you what that can do to any guy!!

On a more serious note, the second reason for the absence has to do with me sorting out getting an ID card. My passport expired in May, and because I knew I wasn't going to travel outside the country, I took things for granted--until I was compelled to give a picture ID for some application a few weeks ago.

I can tell you the shock was more than rude, leaving me more than a bit foolish: I had no voter's ID (which is like a national ID card here) as I landed back in Ghana a few months before election day in 2004, and was therefore unable to get one. Coupled with that was the fact that I don't yet have a driver's license (I will do next year). ALl of this made me feel so "identity-less", which is something I surely should not be feeling in my own country!

Suffice-to-say, things are on the move, and my passport has gone through for renewal. It's just a matter of time.

Now, back to my relationship thingy, I just finished speaking to my best friend Juliet who believes in many ways, I'm in tune with my self, but in other aspects, I'm rather childish! Yeah, man! Primarily on the grounds that I've seemed, among a few other things, reluctant in taking my gf to meet the folks.

Anyways, the point she made was a seriously sound one: that perhaps my maturity has not been noticed by the folks, and so they feel that I couldn't handle a one-year gap!

Good point noted--and taken...

Have yourselves a good weekend!

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